Right, I sprained my wrist playing squash last night and it hurts to type, so I'll make this quick.
The date? Thursday 7th February 2008.
The time? Just after 6pm.
The place? The Flying Scud, Earlswood, Redhill.
The event? Bar Billiards.
The contestants? Please refer to the earlier post, I'm in no hurry to do re-introductions.
Let's go over the rules for Bar Billiards:
The table resembles a common or garden pool table. Instead of pockets in which to pot the balls, there are holes dotted around the table which have varying point denominations assigned to them. The points are assigned based on their difficulty. Here's what the table looks like:
See those black and white pins? Don't knock them down. If you knock down one of the white pins then you lose all the points that you may have amassed in your current stay at the table. It's a bit of a shocker. If you knock down that black pin, then woe betide you, son. You'll lose all your points and will have to resume play from zero. This is a bit shit, especially if you're giving your opponent a fairly convincing arseholing.
There are also different flavoured balls. One is red, the others are white. If a white one goes in then you get the full quota of points that are assigned to that particular pocket. If you pot the red one then it's high ho silver lining and double points for you. Easy, right? The game is timed, and after 15 minutes a bar drops inside the table and prevents any more balls from coming out. At this point the remaining balls require potting. If the game goes down to one remaining ball then this must be potted in either the 100 or the 200 point hole. The 200 is tres difficile because it's right behind the black pin. My advice? Go for the 100.
So that's the basics, let's see how our Iron Men fared.
As Bruno Fountain chose the event, he organised a knockout style tournament. The draw was made earlier in the day by Sophie Dupres, with her black leather gloves for added effect.
Jay brought his calculator to help him do the sums, the rest of us were confident in adding numbers together using the power of our minds.
Round 1:
Chris vs. Jonny
Bruno vs. Jay
Ian vs. Ash
Marc H vs. Marc C
Chris vs. Jonny
Chris is a seasoned veteran of the cue sports circuit, having played bar billiards once at some point in his lifetime. To say that Jonny looked awkward with the cue was an understatement; it was Iron Man time, and our contestants were shaking like leaves. Chris managed to subdue his nerves during a particularly confident stay at the table, and within a couple of minutes Jonny was choking on Chris' dust.
Victor: Chris Light
Bruno vs. Jay
Bruno got off to a flyer against Jay, racking up the points with the minimum of fuss. This should have proved to be an interesting match, seeing as Jay had beaten Bruno earlier in the week. Bruno had to perform, it was his event after all. Needless to say, he stuck his dirty little meathooks in and Jay simply couldn't come back from a comprehensive beating.
Victor: Bruno Fountain
Ian vs. Ash
Ash's distaste for cue sports certainly shone through in his debut match. His action was an absolute horror to behold, displaying all the finesse of a concrete mixer. His apparent nonchalance ensured that not only did he knock down the white pins on a number of occasions, he was sweating points. Ian launched a Jihad on him and swept him off to the side like an angry looking pile of rubble.
Victor: Ian Dulley
Marc H vs. Marc C
Marc C started strongly, with the other Marc left for dead after just a few minutes. It looked like victory was certain for The Cowboy, but a severe lack of concentration resulted in the black pin being knocked down, bringing his score back to zero. Unbeknownst to the spectators, Haridimou had been building up a healthy score. Connolly stood no chance of coming back and Haridimou pulled the rug out from underneath him.
Victor: Marc Haridimou
Round 2:
Ash vs. Jonny
Marc C vs. Jay
Bruno vs. Marc H
Ian vs. Chris
Ash vs. Jonny
With Ash looking increasingly bored, Jonny was able to put together a healthy total. During the match, Ash lost interest and resorted to blindly firing away. This worked for a spell, but the inevitable happened and he knocked over a white pin. Like a piece of Cod from Harry Ramsden's, Ash was battered.
Victor: Jonny Inwood
Marc C vs. Jay
Despite an impressive track record, Jay fell at the first hurdle in this match. All athletics references aside, Marc played very well indeed. His steely resolve earned him a place in the 5th place play-off, whilst Jay was relegated to the deciding match for 7th place.
Bruno vs. Marc H
Marc H started very strongly, mounting a full scale assault on Bruno's senses. No one was more surprised than Marc himself to see that Bruno had failed to score anything after the 5 minute mark. This was not to be Bruno's game. Just when he looked like taking the lead, Marc stepped it up a gear and Bruno fell to the wayside. With the event nominee slaughtered, Marc Haridimou booked his place in the final.
Victor: Marc Haridimou
Ian vs. Chris
The nerves were definitely setting in for our intrepid contestants. Ian was going to make Chris pay in fear dollars. After a docile start, Ian began blasting in some audacious shots. It was a cocktail of 99% luck and 1% skill that saw him put a significant lead over his opponent. It was all that Chris could do to stay in the game, and after a valiant fight back he limited the damage somewhat, but it was not enough to prevent Ian from storming into the final.
Victor: Ian Dulley
Round 3:
Marc C vs. Jonny
Jay vs. Ash
Bruno vs. Chris
Marc H vs. Ian
Marc C vs. Jonny
As Jonny forfeited the match (due to having to leave early), Marc C won the battle for 5th place rather convincingly. Not a single shot was played as Marc secured 5th place.
Victor: Marc Connolly
Jay vs. Ash
With Jay firing on all cylinders and Ash giving approximately 1/100th of a shit, Jay nicked the coveted 7th place title. It had proved to be an horrendous start to the Iron Man competition for both parties.
Victor: Jay Joseph
Bruno vs. Chris
Bruno rediscovered some semblance of form in this game, proving that he is still a force to be reckoned with. Chris tried so hard that I'm convinced a little bit of poo came out, but Bruno had already stamped his name all over the shop. A commendable effort saw Bruno take the 3rd place ribbon.
Victor: Bruno Fountain
The Final:
Marc H vs. Ian
Seconds into the Grand Final and Marc Haridimou went absolutely ballistic, firing in the most outrageous shots without so much as a pause for breath. Ian was knocked for six, completely flabbergasted by the quality on display. The culmination of an entire evening of hard work was slipping out of view as Marc romped home with a score well into quadruple figures. An almost faultless display was met with a lacklustre response. At one point Ian enjoyed a fruitful series of stays at the table, but ultimately it proved worthless. The deficit was reduced to just under 800 points, but it was a lost cause as Marc administered a full blooded offensive on his opponent. With the game going down to the final ball, it was down to Marc to send the ball home. As it rolled in slow motion towards the 100 point hole, Ian felt a mixture of emotions: Hatred, anger, disappointment, but mostly relieved that the most boring spectator sport in the world had finally drawn it's conclusion.
Victor: Marc Haridimou
So with the first event out of the way, the standings are as follows:
Well done to our mighty contestants, may they live long and prosper.
Lesson(s) learned: Bar Billiards is a very boring spectator sport. Just look at Ash's reaction:
