The date? Tuesday 4th March 2008.

The time? 6pm.

The place? Donyngs Leisure Centre, Redhill.

The event? Squash.

The contestants? Ash, Bruno, Chris, Ian, Jay, Marc C, Marc H.

Here are the basic rules of Squash:

In order to determine who serves, one player spins their racquet whilst the other nominates the letter (e.g. On a Wilson racquet the options will be "W" or "M", depending on which side the racquet lands).
The serve has to be played with at least one foot in the service box, the ball has to hit the front wall between the service line and the out line. The ball then has to land in the opponents side of the half-court line. Once the ball is in play, the players can stand anywhere and hit the shot between the tin and the outline on the front wall.

Shots may be played off of either side wall or the back wall before or after the ball has hit the front wall. If the ball bounces twice then the point/serve goes to the player who hit the shot. If the shot hits the tin then the point/serve goes against the player who hit the shot.
Players can only score when they have the serve. The first player to reach 9 is the winner. The winner has to be at least two points clear of their opponent, so in the event of a 9-8 match, the players would have to continue until 10-8. And so on.

Got it? Good.

The matches were played in a league format, with each game score recorded in the event of a tie. Jonny's departure had scuppered our plan to keep the whole thing running smoothly, so with 7 people instead of the original 8, we had one person sitting out in each round. As it went, it was quite a nice thing to do actually. It gave us a chance to rest our weary legs before our next match.

There were far too many matches to document individually, so I'll give a run down of how each person performed. Yeah, that's the way.

Ash:

Ash had never played squash before. That's a fact. All things considered, he played very well and picked up the rules rather speedily. He was let down by his service game, but overall he performed admirably. He won one of his games, against Marc H, so another dead loss was avoided like the proverbial plague.

Bruno:

Ahh, Bruno. Going into the tournament, he had aspirations of cheating. This would have involved trying to hit people with the ball so as to secure an automatic point; but luckily he saw sense and didn't resort to cheating. He took a severe whack in the head from Ian's racquet, which was quite funny in all fairness. Bruno won two of his games, against Marc H and Ash. Well done.

Chris:

Christopher. What a jerk. He won all his games, played like a right sneaky bastard. Dirty little shots followed by crafty little shots. He was nearly given a run for his money by Jay and Marc C, but somehow he managed to sneak his way out of trouble. All this, without wearing any trainers.

Ian:

Some very enjoyable rallies were had by Ian, as well as a couple of nasty shots taken to the body and the arm. The game with Marc C was very close, as was the game against Brunol. All the others were either sure-fire winners, or dead losses. He won 3 of his games, and lost 3. A nice record. Please count Bruno, Ash and Marc H as his victims.

Jay:

For someone who had only started playing squash a couple of months beforehand, Jay has come on in leaps and bounds. He hits the ball so hard, it's actually really annoying. He beat everyone apart from Chris, and that was a very close game indeed. Quite possibly the best match of the entire event.

Marc C:

The perenially injured but always astounding Marc C was nursing a pectoral muscle injury, but still managed to beat most everyone. Avoided a scare in his first game against Ian, but came back to win comfortably against all but Chris and Jay. The eternal achiever, Marc C secured his third place podium finish with some exquisite shots and effortless footwork.

Marc H:

Poor Marc H. It was only his second match in the history of the world, and didn't it show? Full credit to him though, he didn't once get annoyed. He plays with a smile and takes his losses lying down. Lost both games to Ian 9-0, but still shook his hand. What a gentleman. Marc Hcame last, losing all his matches.

So with all the games played, the standings were as follows:

Well done to our intrepid competitors, may their ghosts haunt all the squash courts in the land. Here are some videos of our fellows in action:

Lesson(s) learned:

Squash is great fun, just make sure you don't get hit by any stray shots. And don't fall over. And don't backflip off the wall and land on your head.

It is with great sadness and huge regret that I inform you all of Jonathan "Jonny" Inwood's departure from the Iron Man competition.

Jonny was a fun-loving person who cared very much for the health and saftey of his fellow Iron Men. Jonny would always hang around and lend a clammy hand whenever he could. It was very hard to get rid of Jonny, on many occasions people referred to him as "The human form of crabs". His tenacity in the face of adversity was a wonder to behold, and I'm certain that if he had been able, he would have seen the Iron Man competition through to it's cataclysmic end.

Jonny's chosen event was the 100m sprint. Due to his resignation, we have been forced to withdraw this event from the competition. Jonny is the automatic loser, with a grand total of 3 points. In a way, the pressure is off of those struggling at the lower echelons of the table, and for that we are eternally grateful.

Jonny had to leave us to move to Oxford. This is where he would be close to his loved one. He has found work and is said to be settling in well. Here's what the other competitors had to say of Jonny's withdrawal:

"Jonny's departure has made me feel worse than the time Jay caught me dipping my winkle in his tea. Jonny was to Iron Man what George Michael is to Hampstead Heath." - Christopher Light

"John is more 'Tin Man' than 'Iron Man', as he didn't have the heart to see it through to the end." - Ashford Mills

"Fair enough, Jonny has pulled out of this tournament because of a new job, but the fact that his event (my guaranteed win) has been cancelled has enraged me more than life itself! How could he do this? I'll tell you how: He's scare like a little child lost in Cambodia, he knows full well I would have officially owned him and emabrrassed him. He'd be so ashamed that he'd probably turn into what Bruno looks like on some days... A homeless man. You can probably tell that I'm just a tad annoyed by this, so let me sum it up in a simple phrase: Jonny, I hate you!" - Jonathan Joseph

"Jonny was my friend... The brother I never had... The imaginary friend I always wanted... And most of all? I like his hair... But not his voicebox." - Marc Haridimou

"Jonny's departure has left me empty inside... There is a black hole where my heart once sat, and it can only be filled by prescription drugs, Tesco Value Vodka and touching myself. He was the brother I never wanted. I hate his face." - Ian Dulley

"I love Jonny. Because of him I can't lose!" - Marc Connolly

Jonathan "Jonny" Inwood
Jan 2008 - Feb 2008

Right, I sprained my wrist playing squash last night and it hurts to type, so I'll make this quick.

The date? Thursday 7th February 2008.

The time? Just after 6pm.

The place? The Flying Scud, Earlswood, Redhill.

The event? Bar Billiards.

The contestants? Please refer to the earlier post, I'm in no hurry to do re-introductions.

Let's go over the rules for Bar Billiards:

The table resembles a common or garden pool table. Instead of pockets in which to pot the balls, there are holes dotted around the table which have varying point denominations assigned to them. The points are assigned based on their difficulty. Here's what the table looks like:

See those black and white pins? Don't knock them down. If you knock down one of the white pins then you lose all the points that you may have amassed in your current stay at the table. It's a bit of a shocker. If you knock down that black pin, then woe betide you, son. You'll lose all your points and will have to resume play from zero. This is a bit shit, especially if you're giving your opponent a fairly convincing arseholing.

There are also different flavoured balls. One is red, the others are white. If a white one goes in then you get the full quota of points that are assigned to that particular pocket. If you pot the red one then it's high ho silver lining and double points for you. Easy, right? The game is timed, and after 15 minutes a bar drops inside the table and prevents any more balls from coming out. At this point the remaining balls require potting. If the game goes down to one remaining ball then this must be potted in either the 100 or the 200 point hole. The 200 is tres difficile because it's right behind the black pin. My advice? Go for the 100.

So that's the basics, let's see how our Iron Men fared.

As Bruno Fountain chose the event, he organised a knockout style tournament. The draw was made earlier in the day by Sophie Dupres, with her black leather gloves for added effect.

Jay brought his calculator to help him do the sums, the rest of us were confident in adding numbers together using the power of our minds.

Round 1:

Chris vs. Jonny
Bruno vs. Jay
Ian vs. Ash
Marc H vs. Marc C

Chris vs. Jonny

Chris is a seasoned veteran of the cue sports circuit, having played bar billiards once at some point in his lifetime. To say that Jonny looked awkward with the cue was an understatement; it was Iron Man time, and our contestants were shaking like leaves. Chris managed to subdue his nerves during a particularly confident stay at the table, and within a couple of minutes Jonny was choking on Chris' dust.

Victor: Chris Light

Bruno vs. Jay

Bruno got off to a flyer against Jay, racking up the points with the minimum of fuss. This should have proved to be an interesting match, seeing as Jay had beaten Bruno earlier in the week. Bruno had to perform, it was his event after all. Needless to say, he stuck his dirty little meathooks in and Jay simply couldn't come back from a comprehensive beating.

Victor: Bruno Fountain

Ian vs. Ash

Ash's distaste for cue sports certainly shone through in his debut match. His action was an absolute horror to behold, displaying all the finesse of a concrete mixer. His apparent nonchalance ensured that not only did he knock down the white pins on a number of occasions, he was sweating points. Ian launched a Jihad on him and swept him off to the side like an angry looking pile of rubble.

Victor: Ian Dulley

Marc H vs. Marc C

Marc C started strongly, with the other Marc left for dead after just a few minutes. It looked like victory was certain for The Cowboy, but a severe lack of concentration resulted in the black pin being knocked down, bringing his score back to zero. Unbeknownst to the spectators, Haridimou had been building up a healthy score. Connolly stood no chance of coming back and Haridimou pulled the rug out from underneath him.

Victor: Marc Haridimou

Round 2:

Ash vs. Jonny
Marc C vs. Jay
Bruno vs. Marc H
Ian vs. Chris

Ash vs. Jonny

With Ash looking increasingly bored, Jonny was able to put together a healthy total. During the match, Ash lost interest and resorted to blindly firing away. This worked for a spell, but the inevitable happened and he knocked over a white pin. Like a piece of Cod from Harry Ramsden's, Ash was battered.

Victor: Jonny Inwood

Marc C vs. Jay

Despite an impressive track record, Jay fell at the first hurdle in this match. All athletics references aside, Marc played very well indeed. His steely resolve earned him a place in the 5th place play-off, whilst Jay was relegated to the deciding match for 7th place.

Victor: Marc Connolly

Bruno vs. Marc H

Marc H started very strongly, mounting a full scale assault on Bruno's senses. No one was more surprised than Marc himself to see that Bruno had failed to score anything after the 5 minute mark. This was not to be Bruno's game. Just when he looked like taking the lead, Marc stepped it up a gear and Bruno fell to the wayside. With the event nominee slaughtered, Marc Haridimou booked his place in the final.

Victor: Marc Haridimou

Ian vs. Chris

The nerves were definitely setting in for our intrepid contestants. Ian was going to make Chris pay in fear dollars. After a docile start, Ian began blasting in some audacious shots. It was a cocktail of 99% luck and 1% skill that saw him put a significant lead over his opponent. It was all that Chris could do to stay in the game, and after a valiant fight back he limited the damage somewhat, but it was not enough to prevent Ian from storming into the final.

Victor: Ian Dulley

Round 3:

Marc C vs. Jonny
Jay vs. Ash
Bruno vs. Chris
Marc H vs. Ian

Marc C vs. Jonny

As Jonny forfeited the match (due to having to leave early), Marc C won the battle for 5th place rather convincingly. Not a single shot was played as Marc secured 5th place.

Victor: Marc Connolly

Jay vs. Ash

With Jay firing on all cylinders and Ash giving approximately 1/100th of a shit, Jay nicked the coveted 7th place title. It had proved to be an horrendous start to the Iron Man competition for both parties.

Victor: Jay Joseph

Bruno vs. Chris

Bruno rediscovered some semblance of form in this game, proving that he is still a force to be reckoned with. Chris tried so hard that I'm convinced a little bit of poo came out, but Bruno had already stamped his name all over the shop. A commendable effort saw Bruno take the 3rd place ribbon.

Victor: Bruno Fountain

The Final:

Marc H vs. Ian

Seconds into the Grand Final and Marc Haridimou went absolutely ballistic, firing in the most outrageous shots without so much as a pause for breath. Ian was knocked for six, completely flabbergasted by the quality on display. The culmination of an entire evening of hard work was slipping out of view as Marc romped home with a score well into quadruple figures. An almost faultless display was met with a lacklustre response. At one point Ian enjoyed a fruitful series of stays at the table, but ultimately it proved worthless. The deficit was reduced to just under 800 points, but it was a lost cause as Marc administered a full blooded offensive on his opponent. With the game going down to the final ball, it was down to Marc to send the ball home. As it rolled in slow motion towards the 100 point hole, Ian felt a mixture of emotions: Hatred, anger, disappointment, but mostly relieved that the most boring spectator sport in the world had finally drawn it's conclusion.

Victor: Marc Haridimou

So with the first event out of the way, the standings are as follows:

Well done to our mighty contestants, may they live long and prosper.

Lesson(s) learned: Bar Billiards is a very boring spectator sport. Just look at Ash's reaction:

Welcome to the online document of the first "Iron Man" competition. Here you will find all the information you need in order to stay up to date with the latest news and results of the Iron Man competition. Here's the skinny:

The Iron Man competition came into being after a discussion about who would triumph at a range of sports. As the discussion ebbed and flowed, some rules began to take form. Within a matter of minutes there were 8 willing participants, each with their own unique event to bring to the tournament. 8 people + 1 event per person = 8 events. Simple. Each person would submit their own rule sets for their chosen event and organise the specifics. Let's meet the people, please click them to exponentially increase their size:

Name: Ashford Mills
Age: 22
Likes: Donald Duck, barley water, high fives, Bruce Forsythe.
Dislikes: Cue sports, people who don't like Bruce Forsythe.
Chosen Event: Street Basketball

Name: "Bruno Fountain"
Age: 28
Likes: The Queen, Scalextric, glucose intravenous drips.
Dislikes: Revealing his true identity, being told that he resembles Mandy Dingle in the above photo.
Chosen Event: Bar Billiards

Name: Christopher Light
Age: 21
Likes: Showing off his nips, Arsenal, anything to do with burgers.
Dislikes: Covering up his nips, being called "Burger Face".
Chosen Event: Squash

Name: Ian Dulley
Age: 23
Likes: Playing "Guitar Hero" with his feet, Mel Gibson.
Dislikes: Shaving, Mel Gibson's views.
Chosen Event: Guitar Hero

Name: Jonathan "Jonny" Inwood
Age: 21
Likes: Trumpets, clammy hands.
Dislikes: Cycling headlong into bushes.
Chosen Event: 100m Sprint

Name: Jonathan "Jay" Joseph
Age: 26
Likes: Beef, vests, saying "I'm just going to the toilet" and then sneaking off home.
Dislikes: Staying out all night.
Chosen Event: 10 Pin Bowling

Name: Marc Connolly
Age: 24
Likes: Shaking hands, taking off his clothes at the first opportunity, playing Gay Chicken.
Dislikes: Losing at Gay Chicken.
Chosen Event: Penalty Shootout

Name: Marc Haridimou
Age: 27
Likes: Borat impressions, Feta cheese, smiling, photo sessions.
Dislikes: Frowning, displays of anger.
Chosen Event: American 8-Ball Pool

So there we have our 8 contestants. Here's a final rundown of the chosen events:

Street Basketball
Bar Billiards
Squash
Guitar Hero
100m Sprint
10 Pin Bowling
Penalty Shootout
American 8-Ball Pool

Let the inaugural Iron Man competition begin...